Choose from my Balkan buffet of fatalistic facilities, created exclusively for Slovenia's most romantic nights.


My set courses are perfect for the Yugolady who enjoys a suspicious, rural, liberation-proof flavour, traditionally available to foreigners export-only at unaffordable prices.


Now you can stuff yourself and your reputation!





Yummy non-Slovenian style snack or drink + 1 free piece of ass with every 100g/100ml


Delicious non-Slovenian style dinner + 3 free pieces of ass


Scrumptious non-Slovenian style dessert + 2 free pieces of ass


Non-rural Internet use + 1 free piece of ass per day or part thereof


Communicate easily with parts of the world not in Slovenia! + 1 free piece of ass per EGU (English Grammatical Unit)





Light drinking environment: 2 hours max. + 29 free pieces of ass


Use of foreign-owned toilet: pee + 1 free piece of ass


Heavy smoking environment: stink out and pollute my home whilst shortening my valueless foreign life with your tobacco carcinogens and 65000 toxins + 180 free pieces of ass per daily session


Use of foreign-owned toilet: poo + 2 free pieces of ass


Messy drinking environment with smelly spillages (maximum four hours) + 47 free pieces of ass


Talk for hours about your relationship problems with some drunk/addict/sporty guy/husband/ex + 2 free pieces of ass per problem per hour


Very messy drinking environment with some household damage (until the household gets damaged) + 76 free pieces of ass


Complain: bureaucracy, too little/much work, and treachery over money + 28 free pieces of ass per repeat of each problem





Free call to your phone when you have no credit + 1 free piece of ass


Interesting question about anything except me + any free piece of ass


The land beyond the mountains and across the sea. UK hour (30 minutes max.) + 15 free pieces of ass per topic


No credit on your phone, my number goes into the phone of some random person + 13 free pieces of ass


Building work, provision of tools, materials and equipment, gardening, zookeeping and zoonosis management + continuous rampant daily sex - not negotiable





Ask me a question about me + 14 free pieces of ass


Rude/boring/stupid question I heard before + 15 free pieces of ass


Random guy brought to me with problems + 196 free pieces of ass


Combined lifestyle environment with all the catholic drugs all-inclusive package featuring 500 beers + 1000 fags + 100000 EGUs + 7000 calls + 25000 texts per month + education + computer services + 30 dumb questions + meals + entertainment 24/7 + dodgy drunk jealous guys popping up all over the place + unlimited supplies of everything + no closeness or intimacy whatsoever


...all for just 99 free pieces of ass per hour!!












Pieces of ass are a fungible exchange mechanism.


One piece of ass lasts from a few seconds to a few days.


One piece of ass maintains an approximate value of


29 Unfulfillable Expectations

1000 Grandmother's Upsets

 0.00063 Crummy-Job Opps

103561 Gossips

or 0.33 Village Freakouts


Decide how many pieces of ass you have and select what you can afford from my extremely varied non-Slovenian menu.


Give it up. You will collect all your free sex within 24 hours of selecting your desired facilities. 


Sorry, no credit can be given for possible pieces of ass from the future. Only tangible here and now pieces of ass count in the end. Your waiter will do everything in his power to help you perform/undergo these tasteless and unpleasant duties with as little trace as possible.


You must be female and single to claim your free reward for being cute but you cannot get any unless I fancy you.


Before ordering please ensure you have an empty diary, and plenty of sex drive and fresh knickers available.


Menu reflects current exchange rates.


Eliminates cost and inconvenience of travelling abroad.