MY FULLY AUTHENTIC

SOUTH SLAVIC INTERNATIONAL LOVE MENU

 

 

Choose from my Balkan buffet of fatalistic facilities, created exclusively for Slovenia's most romantic nights.

 

My set courses are perfect for the Yugolady who enjoys a suspicious, rural, liberation-proof flavour, traditionally available to foreigners export-only at unaffordable prices.

 

Now you can stuff yourself and your reputation!

 

 

 

 

Yummy non-Slovenian style snack or drink + 1 free piece of ass with every 100g/100ml

 

Delicious non-Slovenian style dinner + 3 free pieces of ass

 

Scrumptious non-Slovenian style dessert + 2 free pieces of ass

 

Non-rural Internet use + 1 free piece of ass per day or part thereof

 

Communicate easily with parts of the world not in Slovenia! + 1 free piece of ass per EGU (English Grammatical Unit)

 

 

 

 

Light drinking environment: 2 hours max. + 29 free pieces of ass

 

Use of foreign-owned toilet: pee + 1 free piece of ass

 

Heavy smoking environment: stink out and pollute my home whilst shortening my valueless foreign life with your tobacco carcinogens and 65000 toxins + 180 free pieces of ass per daily session

 

Use of foreign-owned toilet: poo + 2 free pieces of ass

 

Messy drinking environment with smelly spillages (maximum four hours) + 47 free pieces of ass

 

Talk for hours about your relationship problems with some drunk/addict/sporty guy/husband/ex + 2 free pieces of ass per problem per hour

 

Very messy drinking environment with some household damage (until the household gets damaged) + 76 free pieces of ass

 

Complain: bureaucracy, too little/much work, and treachery over money + 28 free pieces of ass per repeat of each problem

 

 

 

 

Free call to your phone when you have no credit + 1 free piece of ass

 

Interesting question about anything except me + any free piece of ass

 

The land beyond the mountains and across the sea. UK hour (30 minutes max.) + 15 free pieces of ass per topic

 

No credit on your phone, my number goes into the phone of some random person + 13 free pieces of ass

 

Building work, provision of tools, materials and equipment, gardening, zookeeping and zoonosis management + continuous rampant daily sex - not negotiable

 

 

 

 

Ask me a question about me + 14 free pieces of ass

 

Rude/boring/stupid question I heard before + 15 free pieces of ass

 

Random guy brought to me with problems + 196 free pieces of ass

 

Combined lifestyle environment with all the catholic drugs all-inclusive package featuring 500 beers + 1000 fags + 100000 EGUs + 7000 calls + 25000 texts per month + education + computer services + 30 dumb questions + meals + entertainment 24/7 + dodgy drunk jealous guys popping up all over the place + unlimited supplies of everything + no closeness or intimacy whatsoever

 

...all for just 99 free pieces of ass per hour!!

 

NOT ONLY DO I OFFER ALL THE ABOVE

EVERYTHING ON THE MENU HAS OPTIONAL

EXTRA SEX

INCLUDED

FREE

 

 

 

IMPORTANT NOTES

 

Pieces of ass are a fungible exchange mechanism.

 

One piece of ass lasts from a few seconds to a few days.

 

One piece of ass maintains an approximate value of

 

29 Unfulfillable Expectations

1000 Grandmother's Upsets

 0.00063 Crummy-Job Opps

103561 Gossips

or 0.33 Village Freakouts

 

Decide how many pieces of ass you have and select what you can afford from my extremely varied non-Slovenian menu.

 

Give it up. You will collect all your free sex within 24 hours of selecting your desired facilities. 

 

Sorry, no credit can be given for possible pieces of ass from the future. Only tangible here and now pieces of ass count in the end. Your waiter will do everything in his power to help you perform/undergo these tasteless and unpleasant duties with as little trace as possible.

 

You must be female and single to claim your free reward for being cute but you cannot get any unless I fancy you.

 

Before ordering please ensure you have an empty diary, and plenty of sex drive and fresh knickers available.

 

Menu reflects current exchange rates.

 

Eliminates cost and inconvenience of travelling abroad.